Saturday, November 28, 2009

This side of the miracle……

In talking to a dear friend this week she shared something with me her husband had said, as they too struggle to get pregnant and it really got my mind rolling. So I did something I’ve missed, something I haven’t done in way too long-I just sat down at my computer and wrote and wrote.

Maybe the miracle already happened; maybe this was the miracle….

Excited, elated, scared, nervous-the emotions at the time we found that we were expecting ran the gamete! I stopped taking birth control and we were waiting for my body to start a new cycle and it never happened. I kept track of the days and finally on day 58, before beginning a new medicine for IBS, I took a pregnancy test. Russell was at a track meet out of town. As I was peeing on the stick, the phone was ringing-I swear my mom has a 6th sense!!!! The line came up on the stick as soon as the pee hit-I did another one, same thing. My mom said, and I quote “We can’t get excited yet, you have to go to the doctor”. My doc later told me that there is more likely hood of a false negative than a false positive.

And that was that. I ate, and ate, and ate. Got toxemia, put on bed rest, then admitted to the hospital. We prayed for my health, for Isaac’s health, they induced, it didn’t work-then rushed a c-section after a day of labor. He was a miracle in so many ways-

Isaac was sick a gillion times, but we still wanted to grow as a family so we begin trying again.

I knew Isaac was a miracle for many reasons, I viewed him as a gift, but never till now considered that the true miracle might have been in his conception.

Getting pregnant is a miracle, an amazing gift from God. But sometimes it’s an even bigger miracle, it was never suppose to happen in the first place for some people-according to conventional doctors and, yet it happens anyway.

We didn’t struggle to conceive Isaac-never even really had to try-and now on the other side of it all, and 5 years since his birth-I see that that was the miracle-the lack of struggle, the ease, it just was. It wasn’t debated, discussed, picked apart, or timed to the minute-it just was.

And now we live in a world of wondering if my poor ovaries will ever make eggs, and what we can do to them to make them work. And I live in a body that is bucking nature-not ovulating, not producing the right hormones-a body that is in turmoil, with no easy fix-that is rearing its ugly head in soo many ways on the outside and don’t forget the muffin top I not so proudly sport these days.

And in the wake of this infertility battle are dozens of negative pregnancy tests, hormone pills, hormone creams, fertility drugs, bad moods, disappointed attempts, and sad outlooks.
If only we would just look back and see the miracle we already have right here with us.

Struggling with secondary infertility will never be something that I completely come to terms with. I certainly have my moments that I handle it better than others. I long for contentment with our situation-for it to be or not to be and then just be OVER with it ALL!! And so some days I block it out, and I can bump right on along-and then the inevitable happens: someone asks the dreaded “When are you going to have another child” question or better yet, my body begins to play tricks on my and I begin to wonder “could I be pregnant, what If I am this time” and so I take a pregnancy test and am disappointed once again.

I know how blessed I am to have had a child at all, to not have had a struggle, for us both to lived through the awful pregnancy, and to still have him to watch him grow and love one him. I need to look at it like the miracle it really is-

There is a miracle right in front of us and we are so dead set on the miracle we are praying for that we miss the one we have already received.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Our Family said...

BEAUTIFUL! I definitely could not have put that conversation in such elegant terms! Please don't wait until a 4:15AM shopping trip to find inspiration to post again or it won't happen until next year! :) Love ya!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog because it is linked to a friend's blog. My heart breaks for you and all parents who so desperately want to have children, but for whatever readon, cannot. I also read many blogs that are written by women who have faced similar situations with infertility as you. After undergoing years of tests and treatments, they decide to adopt. Some adopt from within the United States and others go with a global adoption. I am not saying this is what God has planned for you at all. Only He know that. But, maybe it wouldn't hurt to pray about it and see what doors God opens and/or closes concerning adding a second child to your home through adoption. May He bless you with peace, contentment, understanding....and more children.

jodi @ back40life said...

very well said...praying that God's pathway for you continues to unfold and that others are blessed and encouraged as they watch you take the journey