Torn on Tuesday

I apologize b/f you read this b/c I had typing diarrhea today-once I started it just kept pouring out.

I had a new feeling today, one that Mom's that work deal with a lot, but one that I have not dealt with in this situation before, or to the magnitude that I experienced it today. Today I felt torn. Not just torn, but as if I was being pulled from all directions in a battle of wills to see who could win and get the most of me.

-Mom
-Wife
-Follower of Jesus
-Special Education Teacher
-Reading Recovery Teacher in Training
-Housekeeper
-Cook
-Daughter
-Friend

Being a Mom is tough, it's a full time job and some Mom's are able and willing to take this on as their full time job. But, wow, I love being a Mommy. I love the good, bad, and ugly about it. I love looking back and laughing at my insecurities, regrets, and crazy hang ups.

Having a job outside the home is another difficult task, to throw in the daily juggle. The Lord truly led me to do what I do. It's my mission, my place, with all my heart I know I am where I am suppose to be right now and trying to do what he wants me to do. (sometime I promise to write about getting this message from GOD) BUT, being a Special Education Teacher of students with severe learning disabilities, attention problems, and some emotional disabilities is a difficult and draining job. It's an uphill battle with few rests along the way.

I realize now that I begin to put the words down, that this is been building for a while, but I'll go on.

You see today it wasn't a battle over everything at home and juggling, but more trying to juggle with grace all that's in my lap this year at work. I've been trying SOOOO hard to be positive, lean on GOD, and just plunge on through, but today the tears have been anxiously waiting behind my tired lids. Waiting for a weak moment, just waiting for me to slow down enough and let down my guard. And let me tell you, a few of those sneaky boogers got out, and I'd have to turn my head and wipe my eyes and continue to blow air on my eyes to make them go away.

Today I wanted and needed to be in two places and wear two hats and I juggled it, and ended up practicing my RR testing, even an extra time, getting to see 6 of the 7 of my students that registered today and then feeling like I didn't do it all the way it should have been done.

Isaac was with a babysitter ALL day-then it happened, he fell asleep sitting up in a chair at registration. Let me tell you, I felt like I should receive the "WORST MOM OF THE CENTURY" award. There were about a billion people in there, kids running everywhere, everyone talking and working, and my sweet baby is asleep sitting up with his head cocked to the side. And that did it. It broke my heart. It made me feel like the worst MOM ever and even as I write this I'm crying. It makes me feel like I put everything before him. Now, before my loving friends give me lectures, I know that that's not normally true, but that's what I saw when I looked at that sleeping baby today.

The Lord continues to bless me with rest, I have finally been sleeping at night and getting up early hasn't been bad. But I know things are going to start to suffer. The first to go is always the house, then cooking, followed by anything else that's not necessary to survival. Russell even told Isaac the other day that the time was coming when Mommy would be crazy and stressed out for a while, and then things would go back to normal. Is this what I want for my family???? For them to have to prepare for my inability to deal with stress and anxiety, and know that I am going to be crazy and off my rocker just because I'm going back to work. I feel lacking, like nothing I ever do for anyone is enough. All my husband asks for is a clean house, do you really know how hard that is for me??????????????????????? The cooking I can handle, but lately event that has been more of a chore. The crazy thing is I am ready to go back to school, to figure out a new routine, to start fresh, to learn new strategies, but I want to do with a different attitude, I want peace and control, grace from GOD to be what I need to be and who I need to be. My personality is so high strung and I tend to wig out and over-react, panic, stress out, and then just shut down.

So, I'm trying. The dining room is clean, living room and play room. I would probably tackle the kitchen, but I still have RR homework. I want to spend a little more time reading my devotional before I work on my lists. I think that's what I need: lots and lots of lists. I need to see what I have to do and schedule it in. I need to go to bed.

Maybe tomorrow I will cook, maybe not. Maybe I will balance everything better, maybe. But maybe, just maybe, in whatever I do, somehow I will be able to show GOD through it. Because I really am trying, trying to live the right kind of life for the right reasons.