Sunday, November 16, 2008

The yicks

I've been thinking alot tonight about planning. It has become the running joke among Russell and I that we can't plan any further ahead than the next doctors appointment. That is really how we have been living our lives the last 3 1/2 weeks. A big change from being slaves to the calendar, the next work day, meeting, class, etc. We all know GOD is in control. We say it all the time. I've and many others have repeated it over and over the last few weeks. HE is always in control, but sometimes, as we fill in our calendar blocks and plan out months of our lives at a time we forget that. We forget that only HE knows what the next days hold for us. These last few weeks have been a startling reminder of that for me. It hasn't mattered what my plans were, they were and will be useless. I have to go and do what God already had laid out for me. And I've tried. I've really tried to seek his face and maintain an attitude that would bring him glory. My friends have encouraged me, told me how good I'm doing, lifted me up in prayer, brought me food, and all the other things great friends do when you really need them. But, sometimes, even when you know GOD is in control, that he has you in his hands, it doesn't make it any easier. And today is one of those days.

I'm tired of being brave, of reassuring everyone that it's all going to be okay, when I really don't know that. I'm tired of hurting, of missing work, of not being able to play with Isaac. I'm sick of waiting rooms, hospitals, and doctor's offices, long drives, long waits, and long appointments. I'm tired of xrays, needles, and the need for endless tests.

This time last month, we working on Isaac's swing set, enjoying being outside together.

And now, I sit here in tears, pouring my heart out on my crazy blog.
The one thing I have been able to do through all of this is to put off the what if's. And now, they are popping up. And it's just too much.


Autumn said...

Oh Dawn, I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better...but I know that's not the case! I know you have heard it all from everyone, and while we all mean well, the truth is, no one really knows how you are feeling right now except for God. We know He has everything in His hands, but that doesn't always make it easy to swallow! I am praying for you, and love you!

Our Family said...

Oh, Dawn! I just want to come and give you a {{BIG HUG}}! I love you and am here for you!! Lana :)

Heather said...

I know my situation was a lot different in many ways from what you are experiencing now. I also see a lot of similarities. I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I can remember sitting in the hospital crying my eyes out day after day thinking about what "normal" people were doing. I missed my children terribly. I missed my job. I missed my comfortable life. My situation too was filled with levels of uncertainty. God's healing hands were definitely on me the entire time, just as they will be on you. Please keep your faith up high, and know that He is in control. I continue to pray for your health, but after reading this post... I will also pray for YOU!!!!! Dawn, you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!!!!!!!!!!!

Jodi said...

God knows - and that is the only certain in all of this - He knows how you're feeling (every single moment) - He knows what the outcome is - He knows what your family is feeling - He knows it all.

It's okay to have the "what if's", to be scared, to be tired, to just want "normal" to come back again - through this all, with every thought and emotion that goes through your head...add truth to it, and it will help you further cling to His Rock. (Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ 2 Cor 10:5)

God has a plan for you (Jer 29:11) & all things work together for good (Rom 8:28)
God loves you and your family
God will draw near to you (James 4:8)
Persevering under trials brings blessings (James 1:12)
You are His workmanship (Eph 2:10)
His grace is sufficient (2 Cor 12:9)

When your mind trembles - think on Him and His unsurpassing sufficiency - I know He will carry you through!

much love & prayers!

Carin Scates said...

I wish i could just take it all away for you. But know one is able to do that. All i can do is contiune to pray and just to let you know that we are here for you. I will pray and keep you in my thoughts. My mom said she sends her prayers also. LOts of love and thoughs!!! Tha Scates family!!!

Anonymous said...

My situation last year was also quite different from yours, and the uncertainty that you face must be overwhelming, but I can tell you that God will carry you through it because He tells us in His word that if we ask anything in His name, he will answer. Please know that I am praying for you. Keep up the great attitude! Charlene

Caroline's Blog said...

Dear sweet friend - my arms are wrapping around you with more peace and use strength because yours is runing low - i love you - I miss you - you mean so much and just pour it out and leave it at his feet. Constantly .....Kim

Anonymous said...

Dawn, No one thinks less of you if you aren't "brave" for the day.., hour, etc..You are amazing; with all you do for your students, family and friends.. YOU are an inspiration...and it is ok to be vulnerable and What-Iffy at times. You have the prayers of multitudes of people that are praying for your strength, health, family, doctors and that “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in your will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).
Jenny Mc