I've been thinking alot tonight about planning. It has become the running joke among Russell and I that we can't plan any further ahead than the next doctors appointment. That is really how we have been living our lives the last 3 1/2 weeks. A big change from being slaves to the calendar, the next work day, meeting, class, etc. We all know GOD is in control. We say it all the time. I've and many others have repeated it over and over the last few weeks. HE is always in control, but sometimes, as we fill in our calendar blocks and plan out months of our lives at a time we forget that. We forget that only HE knows what the next days hold for us. These last few weeks have been a startling reminder of that for me. It hasn't mattered what my plans were, they were and will be useless. I have to go and do what God already had laid out for me. And I've tried. I've really tried to seek his face and maintain an attitude that would bring him glory. My friends have encouraged me, told me how good I'm doing, lifted me up in prayer, brought me food, and all the other things great friends do when you really need them. But, sometimes, even when you know GOD is in control, that he has you in his hands, it doesn't make it any easier. And today is one of those days.
I'm tired of being brave, of reassuring everyone that it's all going to be okay, when I really don't know that. I'm tired of hurting, of missing work, of not being able to play with Isaac. I'm sick of waiting rooms, hospitals, and doctor's offices, long drives, long waits, and long appointments. I'm tired of xrays, needles, and the need for endless tests.
This time last month, we working on Isaac's swing set, enjoying being outside together.
And now, I sit here in tears, pouring my heart out on my crazy blog.
The one thing I have been able to do through all of this is to put off the what if's. And now, they are popping up. And it's just too much.